No Jokes Here*

I was driving my dad’s pick-up truck because who says chicks can’t be hardcore, right? Anyway there was a fellow badass—a motorcycle dude—trying to merge onto the highway. He was having some trouble, because they always have trouble, right? And I accidentally hit the back of his bike. He wasn’t on a Harley, so naturally, he fell over. Practically no one was on the road, so I took some liberties when I pulled over. Who wouldn’t, right? It’s a pick-up truck, so naturally I had a hardcore dolly in there. I helped him pick up his bike with the dolly and then I picked him up.

I told him “You come with me or I leave you here.” And he did.  Seriously, who wouldn’t fall for a line like that, right?

0000 SUCK 00MY DICK

A stranger, let’s call her “Boss” yelled at me today for not walking in a straight line while talking on the phone.

I didn’t really react because

1. It’s been a while since a stranger has yelled at me on the street.
2. Admittedly, she was right. I was, in fact, not walking in a straight line. I was distracted because I had lost my friend and was trying to locate him.
3. I did actually not walk into her. In fact, our paths were not about to collide.

Boss decided the brief berating was not enough, so she presented her case to a passerby. 

“She’s on the phone. She’s not paying attention! They never pay attention.”

The passerby said nothing. And Boss, pleased, went on her way.

Essentially, she viewed me as an emblem of “kids these days,” the reason the country is falling apart. So I’m the reason this country is so messed  up. I’m sorry, America! I’ll never do it again.*

*I hope the ending’s not too harsh. Filing this under “harsh endings”

I was waiting by the counter and staring at my phone when the lady called out, “Double Whopper, pickles on the side, and only one tomato.”

I reached out to pick up my order when I saw another hand reach for it first. 

“Sorry, that’s my order,” we both said at the same time. We then turned to face each other and it was the linkage of souls. 

I usually go to these things and divide my time like so

• 1/3 of my time dancing and forcing myself to have fun
• 1/6 of my time dancing and actually having fun with it
• 1/4 of my time hating everyone around me for various reasons
• 1/4 of my time hating everyone around me for various reasons and having fun with it

But it costs $12

Is $12 a good price to hate humanity?

In case you missed it, yesterday I gave you tips on how to be approached in common places. But what what if you’re in a place where meeting people is a less standard practice and you see someone striking? What do you do?

Don’t fret just yet, my dear nonexistent reader! I have all the answers you’ll ever need.

How to be Approached

…At the DMV

At the DMV everyone is bored, stressed out, angry, or some terrifying combination of the three. So you just need to be happy or at least act like you’re in a good mood. Smile, joke, and laugh and people will be so confused and surprised, they’ll just have to talk to you!

…On a Streetcorner

Do an interpretive dance. This will only work if you really put your soul into it.

…On a Highway

Start a drag race. Bonus: The person approaching you might even be on a motorcycle!

…On a Boat

Start a drag race. Yes, a drag race for boats. 

…In a Suburban McDonalds

Start a drag race. Yes, you read that right. Use chairs or something. You’ll figure it out.

So you’re at an event and someone with a bedazzled blazer catches your eye. You really want to talk to them, but every time you look over there you freeze up. But you must talk to them. Even if you do manage to gather the courage to do so, you’re still hesitant because the last time you approached someone in a bedazzled blazer, you got massively rejected. If this person approaches you, your chances of success are significantly higher.  But how do you do it?

Well, that’s where I come in.

A couple days ago, I wrote this life tip and posted it on twitter to help the masses.

Then I realized that this tip, albeit brilliant, might not work for everyone. So I’ve developed a whole list of tips on how to be approached in all sorts of situations where you see people you want approaching you.

How to Be Approached

…At Work

Make popcorn in the microwave during your lunch break. If you’re responsible for the smell of the popcorn, everyone is pretty much putty in your hands.

…On the Beach

Throw beach balls at people and pretend it wasn’t you. Await confrontation.

…In a Movie Theater

Inside the theater, stand as close to the screen as possible and start acting out the movie along with the actors, just more dramatic and with interpretative dance. Bonus: The people approaching you will most likely be in uniform!

…At a Party

Pretty simple. Just pretend to slip things in people’s drinks.